Remembering October

My last Blog was the end of September. I was so glad that month was over because it has always brought back many unpleasant memories. I told you October is the month that all of the good things in my life happen.

Living up to it's expectations it was a very good month, There was a blip in the road this year. My "perfect part time job" is no longer. My job turned in to a full time position and I had to let it go. After twelve years of retirement, I just couldn't go back to full time work. I knew that it would not be good for me physically and would also mess up my state insurance. With all of my health problems, I just couldn't take that chance. It was difficult to leave and not the perfect circumstances. I prayed for grace and have come to terms with retirement again. I am not sure why I have so much trouble with not being employed. I need to feel a purpose in my life. I have started back to substitute teaching with DCPS in Special Needs classes. I love to work with the children and these are the ones who seem to need the most love and maturity. It is a good fit, for I surely have "maturity" and seldom find a child that I can't love.

We celebrated all of our birthdays and anniversary. We were busy and had really good times. Jim and I took a little trip to our favorite B&B in Missouri to celebrated our 39th anniversary. It is a very quaint little community and is always relaxing. This year they had built a zip line in town. Of course, it was the perfect opportunity for my dare devil husband. He glided through the trees as I sat on a log and watched. He loved it!!!

On Halloween, we had a special "Trick or Treater". Our doorbell rang at 8:00 as we were deciding what to do that day. I heard one of my most precious voices say, "Trick or Treat". It was Brittany and George! They had driven through the night to come home . We sat down and started talking until Brittany couldn't stand it any more. She told us that we are going to be Grandparents!!! Such wonderful and exciting news. We can hardly wait to have our little firecracker join the family. The due date is July 4th. What a way to end our special month.

I knew when I lost my job that God must have something else in store for me. I can now go to Charleston anytime I want! I also have time to spend with friends and do whatever I want---visit an ex-sister-in-law in the nursing home, visit an invalid friend, help a friend put up Christmas decorations, drive the sleigh for Santa and anything else I choose to do. Life is good and again, October brought many blessings!!!

September

Today is the 29th of September. It is the end of my September "funk" and the beginning of all that is good in my life. September was the month that presented many personal tragedies for me. Unimaginable pain, suffering and grief. Some years I have been so busy still getting school started that the underlying sadness was there, but not the time to actually recall the events.

This year marked the fortieth anniversary of my father's tragic and untimely death. He was 44 years old and left my mother a widow at just 39 with a one year old baby. The preceding year had also been a rough one. Mom and Dad were involved in a head on collision with Mom being 7 1/2 months pregnant and taking the brunt of the injuries. I was in college and dropped out that semester to come home and care for the family. Mom had a concussion and a severely shattered leg. She had her leg in traction when she went into premature labor. I was alone with her at the hospital. She delivered a beautiful baby girl with one leg swung in the air and not very coherent from the head injury. There are still some things about that period of my life that I can't talk about. That college semester I was home changed my life forever. I would not have a carefree period in my life for many years. My brother was sixteen, a new baby to care for, my Dad was pretty bunged up and my Mom was in a cast from her waist down her leg. When I did go back to school it all seemed very petty. I could not imagine a normal life---ever.

It was a struggle to get back on track with my education---but I knew I had to get that degree. That was the thing that would give me the ability to escape from life as I had known it. In order to get the courses that I needed, I had to live in the Home Management house, transfer to Western for a summer to get the required courses to catch up and move to Russellville, Ky to do my Student Teaching. I had just registered that day and would be living in the Home Management House the day that my father died. I couldn't stay home with my mother---I had to keep on track. Life was hard, very hard and I was torn between worry for my Mom and trying to reach my goal.

From the day my Dad died until 2005 when my Mom died---I was her support and helped her in every way that I could and helped her with raising Jodi. I loved my Mom dearly, but our roles had pretty much switched. Her life stood still and she never moved on until she died. She was sick for only a short period of time and died quickly. This was a blessing.

Jim's mother died Labor day weekend of 2002 after a lengthy battle with Cancer. She spent the last 3 months of her life in a hospital. I was alone with her when she died. This was OK, since I knew that she was going to have a hard time leaving this earth with anyone else there. We had many family discussions throughout that long, hot summer and everyone had said their private goodbyes. It happened just as I had known it would.

My brother had carotid artery surgery last week and I was so scared. He has Diabetes and the surgery is very dangerous. I know I would have worried any time it was done, but the fact that the surgery was planned for the end of September made it ten times worse for me. I couldn't shake the September curse feeling. He did remarkably well and God was good.

Last year Jim and I took a bike trip and were gone all of September--returning home the day before Jen's birthday. It was a wonderful September!! The best of my life. I caught up on many of the carefree days that I had missed in previous Septembers. I didn't realize it could be such a beautiful month.

So you see, my reruns of September are mostly, not happy thoughts and I am glad to put this month behind me! But today is different, although it is still September---the 29th--- it is my new daughter-in-law's birthday and we will begin to celebrate. Tomorrow is Jodi's birthday---we will celebrate---and then October begins. Beautiful and hopeful, with all of it's magnificent color and new beginnings. Josh's birthday is next---October 11th, then Jim's is October 12th. Brittany 's birthday is the 28th. Our 39th anniversary will be October the thirtieth and Halloween always rounds out the month. During most of my life I also celebrated National School Lunch Week the second week of October. October is busy and glorious and God's affirmation that life is good and whatever doesn't kill you----does make you stronger.

Welcome October!!!

Goodbyes

Brittany was home for a week the first of August. It was the longest she had been home for a very long time. We had a great visit and managed to clean out her memorabilia from school and college days. We laughed and had a great time remembering those days. It is much more fun to look back now that she is a mature woman. We decided that no one has had any more fun than she has. There were a few memories that weren't so much fun---but were character builders.

I took her to Louisville to catch the plane home. I made it through the goodbye at the airport with a smile and a wave. I walked to the car and drove away. About 5 miles down the road an old country western song came on the radio. The song was the last Goodbye. If this were your last goodbye---did you tell them how much you love them? I began to cry. I knew that all of my love ones know how much I love them. I even tell my friends that I love them. I cried because of something that I had seen all too often lately.

Jim and I have taken two long rides this summer and several short ones. I have seen thousands of crosses on the sides of the road. So many people whose lives have been snuffed out, without a chance to say goodbye. Every cross is different and many times you get a feel for the life they represent. There are crosses with baby pink and blue wreaths with stuffed animals, crosses that are made of wood , some that are metal with barbed wire around them with names like "Duke and Wolf", decorated for every occasion. Loved ones leave all kinds of symbols of the character of their loved ones. The saddest of all is when you see a grouping of three or more with a large cross and several small ones. I am not sure how people go on after losing their entire family. They move on because they have no other choice. When I see these, I always remember my high school friend whose husband and two children were killed in a automobile crash about twenty years ago. Gracie was a second wife to Darell and and loved him with all of her heart. After her loss she grieved until she died an early life--she died after a brief illness, but she died of a broken heart, mostly.

While Brittany was home she visited with an elderly lady who was somewhat like a grandmother to her. She and her sons operate a gas station that we have used for years. Brittany would not go to get gas unless she had at least thirty minutes to talk and laugh with Ms Anna Booker. When she was home we had a little get together for Brittany. Even though we knew Ms Booker was very ill, we sent her an invitation. She called on the day of the party and said she wasn't able to come. Brittany was trying to decide whether to take her some goodies and go for a visit. She asked me what I thought and I told her it was completely up to her. She only weighed about 80 pounds and was failing fast. My advice was that if she wanted to remember her the way she had known her---don't go, if she wanted to see her and say goodbye--to go. She decided to go and they laughed and talked and Ms Booker ate more than she had for weeks. Anna Booker died two weeks later and Brittany had given her a fun visit and a final goodbye.

This week Senator Edward Kennedy died and via television, we all watched the mourning process of the Kennedy family again. Unlike the previous Kennedy deaths, Teddy Kennedy was given a chance to say his goodbyes. One of his family members said it was as if he was able to take a victory lap. The eulogies and prayers included his trials and tribulations and his many successful public accomplishments. The most touching words were those of his grandchildren. After the deaths of his two brothers, he became the father to his 13 nieces and nephews and four children. He lived a full life and gave them a true family closeness and the biggest gift for a Kennedy--the chance to say goodbye.

Goodbyes are hard many times, but not having the chance to say them is unfinished business and never goes away. I have watched people I love die slowly and painfully and I have had the shock of sudden death. It is important to me to always take the chance to say goodbye and tell someone how much they mean to me. I volunteered for Hospice a number of years ago and I know that dying well is a beautiful and natural thing. I learned how important it is that we not waste an opportunity to visit the terminally ill, even if it is hard, both you and the patient will be blessed with closure. My advice is the same as the song---"What would you say, if you knew it were your last goodbye?"

Sitting on the porch

I am sitting in my new office on the second floor of our brand new building. I love my new office and my window. After sharing an office for almost six years in less than optimal conditions---I truly appreciate the space, cleanliness and calm. I feel like I have died and gone to office heaven!

As I look out my window, there is a house across the street from me that takes me back to Spottsville almost 50 years ago. I go back to a simpler time during summer vacations. The thing that keeps prodding that memory is a front porch the entire width of the house with two doors going in to the front of the house. Most especially the freshly dust mopped battleship grey painted wood floor. My grandmother mopped the porch on a regular basis and dust mopped it daily. There is one rug as you step onto the porch and another that leads all the way to the door. NO-ONE enters with their shoes on. The back porch on my grandmother's house was the same as the front, only higher from the ground and just as clean. The children had to be watched carefully to keep us from falling off. Maybe that was just me because of my clumbsiness.

You could sit on the front porch and people would walk down the road and stop---just to talk a spell. The back porch was used to do the laundry with a wringer washer. White clothes were washed first, then light colored, then darker colors and finaly dirtiest work clothes. My grandmother used pant stretchers to keep from ironing pants. They were a pretty cool invention. I don't think she liked ironing any better than I do. We played on the porches. We talked and dreamed on the porches. Nothing was better on a late summer day than swinging on the porch.

There is not a lot of activity on the porch I look at daily. People come and go but don't sit there much. The lady wears "house dresses" that are belted above her belly like my grandmother. Ladies just didn't wear pants much back in my grandmother's day and evidently she like many her age just never felt right in them.

Some day I am going to go visit the lady across the street---clean my shoes off really good ---
and sit for a while---think about the days gone by. Yes someday.....

I Am at The Point

I just received an e-mail today from my great Aunt Ruby Lee with the following thought. It struck me that this is what age and perspective gives you. The older you are---the more true this becomes.

"There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters.....
Who never did......
Who won't anymore......
And who always will.
So don't worry about people from your past, there is a reason they didn't make it to your future."

It would be wonderful if young people could realize this and not waste as much time on people who will prove to be insignificant in their future. Maybe that lesson is one that we need to learn in order to appreciate our truly good friends.

True friendship is always a give and take. You know the kind of people who call and you know they want something from you and you call them and they never reciprocate. There are also the friends that call just to check on you and if you don't hear from them it is your turns to call to touch base. Friends that you can talk to every six months and pick up where you left off are always nice.

Many friends fill a need at any given time--such as the parents you talk to at your children's school--classmates---work colleagues---organizational friends---all your life friends---talk to you if I see you out but would never call friends---and the "bestest kind of friends"---the ones that will be there for you whenever, wherever and whatever.

I just got home from a trip and am glad to see all of the friendly faces in my life.

Communication

When I was growing up there was only one form of one on one daily communication. The telephone, which was a land line and only one phone per household. The telephone was located in a central part of the house and had to be used at that specific location. We had a telephone table which was a seat with a shelf on the right of the seat to hold the phone. Later, the phone was a wall hanging phone with a long cord that allowed you to move across the kitchen and still talk. What a convenience that was. You could actually do something else while you talked---like wash dishes or stir the pot on the stove. Who could have imagined cordless phones and 6 year olds with cell phones? Many houses, like the one we live in now ( built in the late forties), actually had a little alcove built into the wall in the hall to hold the phone. You not only had to share the phone with everyone who lived in the house with you, but also those on your party line. A party line meant you shared your phone with either two or four other households. Everyone had a different ring like one long ring and one short ring, two long rings, two short rings or one short ring followed by a long ring. If you picked up the phone to use it and somebody else was using it you could actually listen to their conversations. My Uncle Joe was known to eavesdrop. If the person heard the click they would say--I think someone is listening. Uncle Joe would say " Oh it is just poor old Joe, I am just dusting the phone". If it were a true emergency you would politely ask if you could use the phone. The worst part was when you were actually expecting a call and someone on your party line would keep it busy. Oh, life before cell phones.

I can't actually tell you when I got my first cell phone. Jim had a business phone very early on and it came in a bag about the size of a small breadbox. When the kids were relatively young in the early eighties, I was in graduate school during the summer. I was driving back and forth to Bowling Green and had no communication with them during the day. That was the first time in my life that being without a phone seemed to be a problem for me. Until then I just did not feel that being out of communication for a short period of time could be a problem. Until about five years ago, we always had a live answering service. We could always call them to get messages or to leave a message for someone who called. No one freaked out like today, if they can't reach someone immediately by phone. Oh---those were the days and today's children will never know that feeling. The total lack of immediateness of life. Today everyone has their own special ring tone so the caller will know who is on the other end before they pick up the phone. Before they can even look at the caller ID number! The surprise of who is on the other end is gone. Today, most people make a conscious decision of whether or not they want to talk to the caller, before they hear the voice. We were just so glad someone was calling, that they were able to get through to us and everyone was mostly glad to talk. Now days everyone has a zillion phones and call for the most stupid reasons. Young people for the most part can't save a thought and gather them all together to make one call. Every thought must be transmitted by phone or text message or e-mail or Instant Message individually and within nano moments of the thought racing through the head.

We are so inundated with all of the communication that it literally drives us to turn off the phone. Meetings are always punctuated with a cell phone ring--some of the ring tones give me
pause to wonder---"what were they thinking?'. I recently called my daughter by mistake during a school day. Her phone doesn't even work on school property, but it did on that particular day. The day before, she had enforced the no cell phones in class with one of her high school students. So not only did the phone ring, her purse was all the way on the other side of the room and the ring tone was a little embarrassing.

When Brittany went to college I would have never kept up with her any way except on her yellow cell phone. When Josh went to college, I finally learned to type. I couldn't type because I took typing in college and Robin couldn't stand for me to peck at the keys--- so she did my homework!! I always was fortunate to have someone who would do my typing until e-mail came along. Had to learn to do that myself. The best way I could communicate with him was e-mail. My daughter is a talker and my son is a writer.

There is also the instant phone texting which can occupy your thoughts when you are unable or it is inappropriate to talk. You can also read your e-mail via the phone. You can keep up with all of your friends and what they are having for lunch via facebook, via e-mail, via cell phone. What do you have to talk about when you get face to face??? Maybe I am just getting old and cranky, but TMI (too much information) makes me CRAZY.

What I think the most wonderful communication tool that really is a huge help is the FAX machine. The FAX changed business in an orderly and productive way that e-mail will never do. Faxes are usefull, but not all that much fun, especially the one at work that I have never been able to master. They are there for you when you want them but don't intrude when you don't. Bingo---not fun--not abused. Real messages, legal documents, reports, rough drafts, medical reports need to go anywhere---just FAX a copy, instantly. Don't get me wrong, I like e-mail and surfing the net---but for business purposes---FAX and telephones are definitely the most efficient in my opinion.

Mother Days

Mothers Day comes once a year but the most special days were my true mother days, October 11, 1977 and October 28, 1980. These were the days that I gave birth to my two beautiful babies. I can proudly say they were a true blessing to me then, as they are today. I am not sure how I got so lucky--but God blessed me with wonderful children who have turned into delightful adults and my two best friends. Last year was also special, because they were both married to spouses whom they truly loved and love them in return. How much better does life get?

I have only eaten out twice on Mothers Day. This morning I went out to eat breakfast alone. Don't feel sorry for me---Jim rode his midnight ride last night and had breakfast with his friends and I opted to stay home and sleep. We will celebrate the day with grilled steaks later this afternoon. I must tell you about the last time we ate lunch out on Mothers Day. I think it was probably 1979. All of the mothers in Jim's family decided we needed to go out for lunch. Josh and Wesley were 1 1 /2 and the other children, Jodi, Carrie, Jonas, Cindy and Mona were school age and preteens. There was probably a total of about twenty people and we went to Western Sizzling Steak House. It was a "not so upscale place" and you had to wait in line. It took at least two hours to get a table and by the time we did-- all of the kids including Josh (who never got cranky) were out of control. Jim was starving and always gets extremely irritable when he gets hungry. I think it took us about four hours. That was the day we swore that we would never go out for a holiday again!! And to this day---we haven't. I can't remember many of the details, but knew I never wanted to do it again.

One other Mothers Day will always stand out. It was 1997. Brittany had just gotten her drivers license and begged me to drive to the BBQ festival. I gave her all of the usual warnings about being careful and parking away from the most traffic. She did that, but didn't notice that she parked early in the afternoon and one of the popular taverns was just across the street. When she got ready to leave, she had an accident. It was Saturday night before Mothers Day and we were all wiped out the next day. That incident, as awful as it was---probably made us much closer. I was thankful it wasn't any worse and that my baby was safe and she was thankful, I was there for her.

By the time I was the only mother to spend the day with, my children were gone from the nest and gone from Owensboro. I am glad to have Josh and Jen here for all of our holidays. One out of two isn't bad. Brittany will always be here in spirit. She is so much like me that I have no problem reading her mind. Josh on the other hand---I need to see his eyes and then---I don't always know what is going on. What I do know without a doubt is they love me and neither are very hard on me about my parenting skills. My greatest gift is that I can still tell my kids (all four of them now) that I love them every time I talk to them.

When I drove back into the drive this morning I saw my bright pink azalea blooming and looking at me. It was from the last Mothers Day I spent with my Grandmother Heppler. She got it as a prize for being the oldest mother at Newman Baptist Church. Every year it blooms I remember her and it seems to beckon me when I pull in my drive. When the kids were young Newman also had a tradition of giving all of the mothers a flower on that Sunday. The best gifts for me were the ones made by their little hands and given with so much pride.

There was also the year that Brittany's teacher had them write about their mothers and had it published in the local paper. Brittany said, "I love my Mom because she lets me do anything I want if it isn't dangerous". I just knew that people thought my parenting skills lacked a lot. What they didn't know was that Brittany was a very "spirited" child and I learned very early that I had to pick my fights. If it wasn't dangerous or disrespectful--it usually wasn't worth fighting over.

Since my Mothers birthday was the 18th of May, there were many Mothers Days that were spent trying to make all of the rounds to all of the Moms and grandmothers and still do something special for Mom's birthday. It would sometimes get pretty hectic as the end of school
approached. I must say I miss those days and and I miss my mother and all of the others. Like most other holidays, I learned that it was easier to celebrate and host them at my house. My children don't remember many family gatherings except at home. I wish more than anything that Mom could have seen how Brittany and Josh turned out---she would be so proud and so would Granny Benson.

Happy Mothers Day to all of my friends who are moms and those who have helped me raise my children, most especially Donna Basham (emergency contact and friend). Have a great day Mr. Bloggeriffic--you do a fantastic job of both mothering and being a Daddy to Jarod.